That time my spiritual ego got her ass kicked...

When the truth burns.

After a fairly profound mystical experience at the Soulfire retreat in Montana in 2014, I wrote a blog called tinybrave. Some people found it helpful. I shared raw, messy stories about my adventures in “healing”.

I came away from that retreat feeling like I’d really achieved something spiritually. But I had no idea how vulnerable I still was to entities and attachments and the unseen energies - how open my field was, with great gaping holes - and just how much my spiritual ego craved recognition.

For a year after the retreat, I got wild visions of the crucifixion of Christ and had a strong sense that I was there the day he died. Mary Magdalen showed up and talked to me. I felt SO special.

18 months after the retreat, I told the retreat teacher about the visions I’d been having, and what I’d concluded about the significance of those visions. She promptly pulled me and a couple of friends from the retreat onto a call and completely burst my spiritual bubble.

Over more than two hours with us, she had me talk through my experiences in detail. She pointed out all of the red flags for false light deception, and talked me through the ways that beings who are genuinely of service tend to behave (and not behave).

It may sound as if she dismissed my visions… but that’s not what happened. She was nervous about having the conversation. She was very gentle and kind to me.

And she gave me lazer-focused examples that contrasted with some of the specific experiences I’d had… helping me to identify some energetic signatures that were at play.

I felt ashamed. Crushed. And we talked about that too.

She didn’t make me feel ashamed. I had a very strong need to be right and a fear of making mistakes. And I wanted so badly to impress her. That’s why it burned so hard for me.

Because two weeks before that call, I’d published an article in Elephant Journal titled: “Why I’ve Given Up on Awakening and Enlightenment“. It was something of a viral moment. The article got 15,000 views in a week. It was going to be the thing that launched me as a “healer”.

And it was all built on a foundation of lies.

My confidence vanished. It’s taken 10 years to rebuild. But wow, have I learned a lot about discernment along the way.

Now I’m writing again. Because I have some fun stories to share about adventures and experiments I’ve pursued in the name of transformation. And if I write well, you might see some of yourself through my words.

That conversation with the retreat teacher burned like fire, but it was one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received. So this time around, I’ll be keeping a closer eye on my spiritual ego.

More soon… ❤️‍🔥